Be Free
by emmer23
Summary: An interpretation of 11x05 from Callie's POV.


**Title**: Be Free  
><strong>Pairing<strong>: Callie/Arizona  
><strong>Rating<strong>: PG  
><strong>Disclaimer<strong>: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.  
><strong>Summary<strong>: An interpretation of 11x05 from Callie's POV.

**A/N:** I was as shocked and disappointed at the ending of last night's episode as anyone. This helped me to process what happened and put in perspective. This is simply my interpretation of what happened, but I hope it can help.

**Be Free**

Callie remembers coming home in second grade with a big red construction paper heart, a gift for Mother's Day, the words "Reasons I Love My Mom:" printed on it followed by several lines. She remembers her dad reading what she had written and smiling, before crouching down to her level.

"Mi'ja," he began, "'she makes me yummy food and takes me to the doctor'. Those are reasons you _need _your Mami. If you didn't have her or me to do those things you would have a problem, so you need us. But can you think of reasons that you _love _your Mami? For instance, I love her because we share the same values and because she always makes me laugh after a long day at work."

The lesson had mostly gone over her 7-year-old head, but nevertheless, the memory stuck with her.

**o0o0o0o**

When Callie was 13, she sat next to the new girl, Gwen, in her Biology class. They were paired as lab partners and became friends immediately. Callie was totally smitten with Gwen. She was the most interesting person she'd met in her 13 years. And beyond that, Gwen was funny, kind, and pretty. In retrospect, Callie understands now, she probably could have realized her attraction to girls earlier.

Callie and Gwen spent most of their waking moments together, segregating themselves from other students at lunch, sharing secrets, making promises to be best friends forever. It was a juvenile friendship, but at the time it was everything, and Callie couldn't fathom her life without Gwen.

Just 4 days shy of Callie's big Quinceanera celebration, Gwen dropped a bomb. She had decided to date Jason from the baseball team, and maybe the two of them should spend some time apart. Jason was 17 and one of the few boys in their school who could grow a legitimate beard. He was older and wiser, but he was also kind. From her brief interactions with him, Callie knew he was a good guy, the kind of guy she should have wanted her best friend to be with. But she had been blind-sided. When had Gwen even found the time to talk to Jason?

Gwen insisted that they would still be friends, but didn't they also want to have other friends? Callie realized in that moment that she had been neglecting everyone else just to be with Gwen. It was no one's fault, but it was a fact. Callie pleaded, as only a melodramatic 15-year-old could, with Gwen not to break up their friendship. "High School is so hard, Gwen; I can't do it without you! I need you!" "No you don't, Callie."

After crying for weeks and believing she'd never find another friend like Gwen, Callie joined the drama club and the swim team. She took AP Biology and got a 5 on the test, a rare feat. She embarked on a year-long relationship with Brandon, the president of the student body, and lost her virginity to him. On graduation day, she and Gwen hugged each other tightly, promising to stay in touch. Callie left 3 months later for college, where she thrived. She and Gwen saw each other over summers and holidays.

Callie looks back on her friendship with Gwen fondly now. She hasn't thought of her in years, but Gwen had been right. Callie didn't _need_ her.

**o0o0o0o**

When George cheated on her at 29, Callie felt that she needed to forgive him. She needed to make her marriage work. She needed to not be alone. Or so she thought.

**o0o0o0o**

At 32, Callie met Arizona. Arizona had many qualities Callie both envied and admired. Arizona was strong. Steadfast. Confident. Independent. Free.

Though sometimes those characteristics caused problems in their relationship, they were qualities that Callie loved fiercely about Arizona.

**o0o0o0o**

Callie sits, at 37, in their therapist's office, listening to Arizona say all of the things Callie was afraid she would. She hadn't really planned what she would say, which was part of the reason she told Meredith she was so nervous. She knows that she has felt free these past few weeks, but she also remembers the rush she felt realizing that Arizona had been worried about her.

"I don't even know what I'm doing at work anymore," Arizona's words break through Callie's thoughts. And that's when it really hits her. While the two couldn't talk for 30+ days, Callie still kept tabs on Arizona. She heard that Arizona was doing really well with her fellowship, so listening to these words, Callie knows something happened during today's surgery. She is acutely aware that she distracted Arizona the night before, apparently to her wife's professional detriment. Tears prick at the surface as a ghost of a smile flashes across her face.

"I need my anchor. It's you. I need you." Arizona's pleas are rolling over Callie in waves, making the tears come hotter and heavier.

Callie remembers the declarations Arizona used to make: I like the girl who has the sandwiches; I'm a good man in a storm; the word I use is awesome; I love you and you love me and none of the rest of it matters.

But now, there are no declarations, only pleas. This is not the Arizona she met five years ago. Callie watches Arizona speak, the words falling from her beautiful lips. She is weaker than before. Her words are desperate and her tone is unsure.

She doesn't allow herself to entertain the notion that maybe they'll find their way back to each other. She knows if she thinks about her future, she won't go through with ending it.

Callie takes a deep breath, trying to blink back her tears and delivers the most painful few sentences she has ever said. She wants to set them both free. "And I don't want to do it anymore," she concludes.

Callie will realize later that she probably could have expressed herself a little better in order to help Arizona understand that it is the right thing to do, that she doesn't actually value a few drunken laughs with Meredith over their marriage, that it's not just about her own freedom. But emotional speeches have never been her forte.

"I should love me. And you should love you," Callie finishes through her tears.

Callie can see Arizona's heart breaking and it's all she can do not to wrap Arizona in her arms and protect her from the pain. But she can't protect her from this pain, because she is causing this pain.

So, she walks out without looking back. Not because she's holding a grudge against Arizona for cheating on her. Not because she thinks Arizona regrets becoming Sofia's mother. Certainly not because she doesn't love Arizona or because she doubts Arizona's love for her. It's not because she wants to walk away, but because, for both of their sakes, she needs to.


End file.
